The Predator’s Guide to Hunting Prey Jurassic Edition.
First of all, you are a large animal with a lot of body weight, and you expend calories like there’s no tomorrow. You will need to eat twice your weight in meat, at least once a week, so it is important to know how to catch food efficiently and effectively. This means cunning and stealth will need to be a big part of your arsenal. Be smart, ambush your prey, hunt at night, choose the weakest of the herd as your target AAAAAAND…
1.) Roar loudly to announce your presence.
Make sure the entire region knows you’re in the area. This will ensure that all animals you could possibly choose as prey know you are coming and are alerted to the fact that they need to head for the hills. Make absolutely sure that any chance of surprising your prey is thrown out the window. After all, you wouldn’t want it to be too easy. You’re a big heavy Tyrannosaur; you expend energy every time you go after food. If you miss, you’re wasting precious calories needed to survive and are going to have to try even harder the next time. So keep it fair. Scare away all potential prey, for miles, long before you get there, by roaring for no apparent reason other than to show off how big and tough you are.
2.) Attack every little thing you see, regardless of how small and meager it is.
Anything that can outrun, outmaneuver, or hide from you, is absolutely worth expending the energy to go after. Are you a lion in the middle of eating a big old water buffalo (brontosaurus) that you just killed and that will now feed you for several days? Are you enjoying the replenishment of all those calories you just expended in order to catch it? Now, a bunch of little mice show up and stand around looking at you. Here’s what you need to do. Leave that big old carcass of meat that you already have in your possession, and go after those little mice instead. Let some other predator come along and enjoy the fruits of your hard work while you expend MORE energy to chase down a couple of little morsels that would be worth less than an Hors d'oeuvre to a supermodel. Wait, are they not moving? Well, by all means, make sure you don’t attack them while they’re just standing there looking at you. Wait till they start running away and you have to go after them. Are they not running away? Are they making it too easy for you? Bring back that roar we talked about. Send them scattering in all directions, to make it harder for you. That’s using your head.
3.) Bite the hand that feeds you.
The last thing you want is to be trapped in a cage where they feed you free meals 7 times a day. If you find yourself within the confines of a perfectly maintained habitat, perfectly suited to your needs, without any need to go searching for food, you’ll want to break out of that situation as soon as possible. The last thing you want is to be taken care of. Are you smart enough to know the intricacies of the beings keeping you cared for? You should most certainly do everything you can to agitate them and push them to come after you and try to kill you. Constantly running away from them or attacking entire groups at once, will both expend energy AND put you in harm’s way, which is exactly what’s needed for survival, especially if you can already turn invisible and keep away from all harm. And if you do choose to use that invisibility, don’t just let your pursuers pass you by. Be sure to break that stealth and come slowly stomping out of the trees before you attack them. It’ll make it more ominous and give your attackers time to respond. Remember: Stage presence is key.
4.) Pick fights with other predators.
It is imperative that you maintain status as the alpha at all times. It doesn’t matter if another predator is as big and dangerous as you are. It doesn’t matter if it’s an entirely different species and you have nothing to compete over. It doesn’t even matter if you are a female and have no territory to protect. If you run into another predator, you make sure you attack that thing head-on and risk life and limb, taking it down. And of course, don’t eat it after you kill it. That would just be silly. You only want to eat the prey that hasn’t tried to kill you. Don’t forget to keep that awesome roaring up the whole time, especially at the end once you’ve won. You are the King (or queen) of the dinosaurs, and you need the world to know it. Every animal within a thousand miles will be terrified to be anywhere nearby when they hear that nerve-racking thumping reverberate through the ground, and you’ll most likely die from starvation when there’s no food to be found, but that’s what it takes to be a top-notch predator, the ultimate killing machine, a clever girl. Remember these important guidelines and you’ll be dead in the ground, while Hollywood producers make movies about you, in no time.
